"Vulnerability Hangover"

Let me start off by saying this is not adoption related, but just something that has consumed my thoughts and I'm hopeful that writing about it will be therapeutic.

Confession...many moons ago, I may have, on occasion suffered from a hangover.  Headache, cravings for salty/bad food, need for dark quiet isolation, regret, embarrassment, shame, lethargy... after effects, just to name a few. 

This past week something bad happened to me.  Please know that even as I am sharing this, I have fear of your judgment of me.  You see, I want people to like me and to think I'm intelligent.  I have major pride issues and humility is not my strength.  I want to be in control and handle problems by myself.  I will give you the "Reader's Digest" version of what happened to me...

Last Monday around 4:10pm, my phone rings and the number indicates that it is our county sheriff's department.  I immediately think about how I went down there a couple of months ago to get a criminal history clearance form completed and wonder if this call has something to do with that.  Believe it or not, I don not frequently communicate with law enforcement.  The man identified himself to be with the warrants division and informed me that I had 2 warrants for my arrest because I failed to appear for jury duty.  I'll skip some of the details, but basically he and another man set in motion a scam that I fell for and gave them $800.  I reacted completely out of fear and never had time to slow down to really think through all that these "officers" were telling me.  When I mentioned that I needed to call my husband, he questioned my mental capacity.  Um, remember I have pride issues.  They threatened to send an officer to my house to arrest me.  I offered to come to them and they said they would have to arrest me due to the warrants that were already in my name.  I was to pay the fines first to uplift the warrants and then we would begin the investigation with the post office because they would have the record of the the certified mail.  I was so fearful that this would cause a blemish on my criminal history record and that our adoption of Eli would be in jeopardy.  They never let me off the phone and kept the conversation going the entire time I was on the phone with them.  I shared with one officer about our adoption and fear that I needed this cleared up immediately.  Well, he took that and ran with it.  He even told me that he and wife had always wanted to adopt.  I was the easiest money these guys made that day.  I fell hard!  It wasn't until I sent the money and called Jon that I realized that it was a scam.  ***Police report was filed, bank account closed, attempt to get money back from our bank was denied.  Some of you may want more details, but I don't want you to focus on the scam or how I fell for it.  Here's my focus...

Ok, so let me just tell you what it looked like when my husband came home.  I had been holding it together...calling the bank, sheriff's office to inform them that their phone number had been hacked/spoofed, replaying the conversation in my mind.  When Jon came in, shame flooded me like nothing I've ever experienced.  I handed him my phone and ran to our bedroom, closed the door and collapsed in the bed.  I cried harder than I have in recent memory.  My children could hear me crying and thought that someone had died.  I was humiliated that I could be so stupid to fall for this.  I replayed the conversation and could hear the enemy's whispers, "You are so stupid!"  Jon came in and said all the perfect things you say to your wife when they are crying like you've never seen before...He said, "it's ok, it's not your fault, I'm not mad at you."  I told him that I needed to be alone.  I wanted to hide and never come out.  I cried out to God in my despair and guess what!  He spoke!  He said, "How much more will you let them take from you?"  I was reminded of John 10:10, "the thief comes only to kill, steal and destroy".  The enemy had done all 3 to me that afternoon.  So, I sucked it up and allowed myself a few more moments of a pity party.  I emerged from the bedroom with swollen, red eyes (I'm not a pretty crier).  My children looked at me like I just escaped from a mental hospital.  I decided that I didn't want him to take anything else from me.  I would like to say that it was that easy...just flipping a switch, but it hasn't been.  It's a daily choice to focus on the joy that I have in my life. 

I woke up several times that night and didn't sleep well.  My heart was burdened.  I needed to share what happened to me, but I didn't know where to turn.  My husband knew, but I wasn't sure who I could tell that would really get me.  I didn't need to be questioned about why I had fallen for it.  I needed someone to listen and say, man that sucks/I'm so sorry/I would've done the same thing.  So I called my friend Kristen and unloaded my heart to her.  Thankfully, she said everything I needed to hear and more.  That night and the next morning I shared with a few friends at church.  Each time, I felt the urge to hold back information because I feared what they would think of me.  Wednesday morning, a friend texted me at the perfect moment during a mental breakdown spiritual awakening.  We ended up talking and she told me about this speaker, Brene Brown, who coined the term "vulnerability hangover".  That perfectly defined me. Funny enough, similar symptoms of a regular hangover...see above.  I felt exposed and raw each time I shared the details.  I worried about what people thought of me.  I will say that most of the people that I've told or that have heard about it, have been so gentle and kind.  It hurts when people question why you didn't do things differently.  I am still struggling with my mistake and realize that if I'd done just this one thing differently then it wouldn't have happened...

Truth is: I made a mistake that humiliated me and will likely make many more.  I'm sharing it with you in hopes of two things.  1)That this scam won't happen to you.  2)That you will allow yourself to be vulnerable and share your mistakes, rather than trying to hide them and appear perfect.  I watched this video of Brene Brown where she talks about vulnerability.  Take 20 minutes and watch this link to see what she says on this topic. http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CB8QtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.ted.com%2Ftalks%2Fbrene_brown_on_vulnerability%3Flanguage%3Den&ei=mlw1VdSRCcqlNtLigegO&usg=AFQjCNFLOgIJmTUe-QltELWMYsqIFtZkBw&sig2=iX3L6KUqzqMIILuVVSfcDg&bvm=bv.91071109,d.eXY

Friends, none of us have it all together.  We've all got skeletons in our closet.  The enemy wants us to feel isolated and ruled by fear.  God wants us to do life together.  That means the good and the bad.  I'm not saying you should publicly air your dirty laundry (I realize the irony), but share your burdens with a trustworthy source. Don't let fear of rejection keep you from being real.  God is a redeemer.  He will use your vulnerability to bring you closer to Him and to reflect Him to others. Okay, I'm feeling a "vulnerability hangover" coming on...I'll leave you with a quote from one of my favorite authors:

Jesus on the eye chart...and DTC!!!

 

"Pirate ship (such a boy answer), O, Jesus"... this is what Sam said during his eye exam at his pediatric check up this week.  I had to help articulate for him to the nurse and when he said "Jesus", she smiled and agreed wholeheartedly.  Sam saw what he views as a cross and kept saying Jesus every time she pointed to this picture.  I probably should have paid closer attention to what he scored on his eye exam, but I was just so in awe of this little boy that saw Jesus on the eye chart.  The faith of a child!!!  Thank you to his awesome preschool teachers, Ms. Kim and Ms. Julie, that have played such a big part in teaching him about Jesus and the cross.  Sam has been asking some questions about that indicate that he's growing more curious about Him. 

Here was a cute exchange between Sam and his doctor:

Dr. J: You have 1 brother and 1 sister.  Am I right or wrong?
Sam: You wrong...I have Eli, Brooks and Emily.

Our doctor, also an adoptive parent, said he loved that Sam started the list with Eli!  Me too!  Jon and the boys completed building bunk beds and Sam says he wants Eli to sleep with him.  I'm just so thankful that God is preparing his heart to be a big brother.  I know that it will not be an easy road and that they will fight, but man it's so cool to see this transformation.  And now for more exciting news...

WE ARE DTC!!! Some of you may be asking, what the heck does that mean???  Well, in the China adoption language those letters mean Dossier to China!!!  Our dossier is 13 documents that tell all about our family and our deepest, darkest secrets. ;-)  DTC is a big milestone and such a sense of relief that we are one step closer to Eli.  Next, we wait to be LID- logged in and then another long wait comes for China's Letter of Acceptance!  I don't find it coincidental that my Bible study this week was on being patient.  Let my faith be matured as I wait for His perfect timing!

Blessings and hope for us all to have child-like faith!

"I need my momma"

Just a quick adoption update...we have immigration approval and hope to send our dossier to China very soon!!!  Now...

Yesterday, we were driving back home from a long soccer trip to Greenville, SC when Sam started feeling car sick.  We had a van packed full of people and luggage, so I was sitting in the very back when this all started.  When I realized what was going on, I decided to switch seats to be closer to him.  In the middle of me straddling the middle row (I'm not as young and limber as I like to think I am) trying to get to him, Sam stole my heart once again with what he said.  In his voice of pain and suffering, he said, "I need my momma!"  Well, let me tell you I may have pulled a hamstring getting over that seat as fast as possible when I heard those words.  I clung to those sweet words as he puked into a cup off and on for the next hour.  I found joy in the middle of this smelly and messy moment.  My friend, Sharon, had mentioned "joy bombs" that God gives us and friends, I never guessed that I would have so much joy in being able to wipe vomit from Sam's nose and mouth.  What I learned in that moment is that: 1) Sam knows to cry out for his momma to help take care of him.  This might not seem like a big deal to those of you who have parented your child from birth, but this is huge for him to show his vulnerability.  2) Sam appreciates the care I gave him in holding the cup and cleaning him up.  How do I know this?  Hours after we got home, this was our converstation:

Me: Sam, I'm so glad you're feeling better.
Sam:  Me too, thank you for taking care of me.
Me: (teary/choking voice) You're welcome, buddy.

Seriously...how sweet!  This from a kid who is brutally honest.  Bad breath? He'll let you know.  Got a zit you're trying to cover?  He'll point it out. 

And then the icing on the cake came today.  We were putting a new booster seat in the car and he asked, "When we get Eli?  I miss him."  Joy bombs!!!  Keep dropping them, God! I love to see how God is preparing Sam to be a big brother. 

I hope that you can see the joy bombs in your life!  Keep your eyes open for them.  They are there even in the middle of puke fests and booster seat installations.  Cling to them!  Share them with others. 

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Eli Matthew Franklin

We have been praying about a name for our child and have finally settled on Eli Matthew Franklin.  It's amazing to hear my children pray for their brother, Eli.  Something in my heart just melts when they utter his name.  Often times it's just in passing from them..."I wonder if Eli will like playing in the snow?", or intentional prayers, "I pray that Eli is ready to come home." 

  

Eli playing with a turtle!

Sam is going through a phase where he notices when people and even animals are by themselves.  He saw a bird flying solo in our backyard and commented, "they looking for they family."  He saw a baby sitting in a baby carrier at school and his mother was about 20 yards away.  Sam only saw that there was a baby with nobody close by.  He said, "Mama, why he not have a family?"  I showed him where the baby's mama was, but he was worried about this baby.  At first, I thought it was sweet that he didn't realize that of course, this baby wasn't left here without a mother.  Then, a sadness hit me...that my 4 year old would be burdened by the sight of children and animals away from their family.  I think he understands that God designed us for family. Sam has been praying some sweet prayers on behalf of so many waiting boys in China.  He prays every night that "everybody will get a new brother."  I like his boldness!  Of course, he also prayed that his new brother would have his "own" toys.  Ha!  I mean, really...who wants to share toys?  Sam seems to be understanding a little more about the reality that he will be a big brother.  Sam and Eli will be 8 months apart and I anticipate great joy and struggles.  I pray that they will have a great bond and become best friends.

We can see that God is preparing all of our hearts and we are praying that He will prepare Eli to join our family.  It's so hard to stare at a face and long for him to be home, but I trust in God's perfect timing.  I know there is much work to do in our hearts to be prepared.  Eli Matthew Franklin, you are greatly loved and prayed for daily!!!  We can't wait for you to come home and play in the snow with you!!!

Here we go again!!! Ready, set, SLOW!

Well, here we go again!  After many months of prayer for direction for our family, Jon and I both felt the calling.  So, we answered the call and are in the process of adopting from China again.  We have completed our home study and our paperwork is at immigration.  We are headed to get our biometric fingerprints soon and then after immigration approval our paperwork will be off to China!  We aren't sure of a timeline for that to happen...which leads me to this...

When we began this journey several months ago, I prayed that I would not be consumed with the adoption process like I was the first time.  I apologize to everyone who had to endure me whining and complaining over documents that you had never heard of, timelines that didn't match up to mine, and countless other issues dealing with our first adoption.  I confess, I was crazy and controlling.  Thank you, Captain Obvious!!!  This time I have prayed that I would just relax in God's goodness and perfect timing as He orchestrates this amazing story.  I can honestly say that there have been moments that I've been successful, and others that I've slipped back to my controlling ways.  All I need to do is take a glance at Sam to realize how perfectly God works.

I feel like God has been showing me a common thread in my life lately...SLOW DOWN.  Recently, at our youth retreat, the weekend theme was walking in the will of God.  I was reminded that we must crucify our will in order to walk in His.  It is not always comfortable to walk in His will, BUT it is GOOD!  God is calling me to slow down, to let go of some things that I hold too tightly.  Some of these things are tangible, some not.  I am a work in progress, but I trust that He will complete this work that He has begun.  I want to climb this mountain with my hands wide open! 

Mother's Day...mixed feelings

I'm feeling so blessed to celebrate this Mother's Day!  This is my first time celebrating as a mother to 3 children!  I've been feeling a little heavy hearted as this day is quickly approaching.  My heart is a little broken for Sam and his birthmother.  My desire is to honor Sam's birthmother in China as well as his nanny that cared for him in the orphanage for 2 1/2 years.  How do you do that??? I've asked other BTDT adoptive mom's what they do and they have great ideas.  Some suggestions were to plant trees/flowers, light a candle, read a specific book... I'm feeling the pressure to start a tradition that will honor these women, but I keep thinking that Sam will not understand the significance...for now. So, we will honor these women and pray that as Sam grows that God will help him develop an understanding and love for these women.  I realize that these women are highly unlikely to ever read this, but I still want to offer my gratitude to them both.

To Sam's birthmother...thank you for choosing life for Sam.  I can't imagine how difficult of a choice you made to give him a better life than you thought you could provide.  Thank you for the greatest gift our family has ever received.  You will never know the impact that your choice has made on us.  I pray that God will fill you with His peace and a knowledge that Sam is greatly loved.  Above that, I pray that you know the Father's love for you!

To Sam's nanny...thank you for standing in the gap and loving Sam until we could get him.  It is obvious that you loved him and took great pride in caring for him.  Thank you for caring for him after his surgery and for the affection you showed him.  Thank you for loving the children that came before him, the children that come after him, and most importantly...the children that will remain in the orphanage.  I pray that God will sustain you as you grow attached to countless children, only to see them leave.  I pray that you will love these children as God loves them.  May God reveal His great love for you!

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Complete!

We got Sam's visa today, so we are able to leave China Saturday! Ready to come home!!! He is doing great and I was able to leave the room without him for about 15 minutes. That may not seem like much, but its the longest I've been away from him since we got him. I had to go to the lobby to get his visa and returned to find him laughing and playing. Such a relief!

I wanted to share a little "God wink" with you...back in April I visited Shepherds Field and met Joseph. He was close to aging out and was in danger of not being adopted. I purchased some of his art work for the kids to keep in their rooms as a reminder to pray that he would get a family. We prayed for him each night.  I was thrilled when we learned that God answered the prayers of so many! Honestly, I was a little afraid to have my children ask that prayer because I knew the odds were not in his favor! What a lesson I learned about the power of prayer! So, we got to visit shepherds field at the beginning of this trip and Joseph was already with his family. So, imagine my surprise when we were at the medical clinic getting Sam's TB results and Emily says, "mom, there's Joseph!"  Yes, it was. He was standing there for his test results too! I was so excited to see him with his little brother and father. I stood amazed at how God orchestrated that moment. I do not believe it was a coincidence, but rather a gift to see how He did provide Joseph with a family! God is good!

Not sure if I will blog again before we leave, but we please keep us in your prayers. We feel blessed, but are certainly struggling with adjusting to a toddler that speaks another language. Sam had a major meltdown this afternoon in the middle of the hotel. It's frustrating for him and us. Thankfully, it didn't last long. We would appreciate prayers for good health, safe travels, easy transition with time change and Sam's new environment. This will be his 3rd move in 2 weeks. Stressful for the little guy!