Confession...many moons ago, I may have, on occasion suffered from a hangover. Headache, cravings for salty/bad food, need for dark quiet isolation, regret, embarrassment, shame, lethargy... after effects, just to name a few.
This past week something bad happened to me. Please know that even as I am sharing this, I have fear of your judgment of me. You see, I want people to like me and to think I'm intelligent. I have major pride issues and humility is not my strength. I want to be in control and handle problems by myself. I will give you the "Reader's Digest" version of what happened to me...
Last Monday around 4:10pm, my phone rings and the number indicates that it is our county sheriff's department. I immediately think about how I went down there a couple of months ago to get a criminal history clearance form completed and wonder if this call has something to do with that. Believe it or not, I don not frequently communicate with law enforcement. The man identified himself to be with the warrants division and informed me that I had 2 warrants for my arrest because I failed to appear for jury duty. I'll skip some of the details, but basically he and another man set in motion a scam that I fell for and gave them $800. I reacted completely out of fear and never had time to slow down to really think through all that these "officers" were telling me. When I mentioned that I needed to call my husband, he questioned my mental capacity. Um, remember I have pride issues. They threatened to send an officer to my house to arrest me. I offered to come to them and they said they would have to arrest me due to the warrants that were already in my name. I was to pay the fines first to uplift the warrants and then we would begin the investigation with the post office because they would have the record of the the certified mail. I was so fearful that this would cause a blemish on my criminal history record and that our adoption of Eli would be in jeopardy. They never let me off the phone and kept the conversation going the entire time I was on the phone with them. I shared with one officer about our adoption and fear that I needed this cleared up immediately. Well, he took that and ran with it. He even told me that he and wife had always wanted to adopt. I was the easiest money these guys made that day. I fell hard! It wasn't until I sent the money and called Jon that I realized that it was a scam. ***Police report was filed, bank account closed, attempt to get money back from our bank was denied. Some of you may want more details, but I don't want you to focus on the scam or how I fell for it. Here's my focus...
Ok, so let me just tell you what it looked like when my husband came home. I had been holding it together...calling the bank, sheriff's office to inform them that their phone number had been hacked/spoofed, replaying the conversation in my mind. When Jon came in, shame flooded me like nothing I've ever experienced. I handed him my phone and ran to our bedroom, closed the door and collapsed in the bed. I cried harder than I have in recent memory. My children could hear me crying and thought that someone had died. I was humiliated that I could be so stupid to fall for this. I replayed the conversation and could hear the enemy's whispers, "You are so stupid!" Jon came in and said all the perfect things you say to your wife when they are crying like you've never seen before...He said, "it's ok, it's not your fault, I'm not mad at you." I told him that I needed to be alone. I wanted to hide and never come out. I cried out to God in my despair and guess what! He spoke! He said, "How much more will you let them take from you?" I was reminded of John 10:10, "the thief comes only to kill, steal and destroy". The enemy had done all 3 to me that afternoon. So, I sucked it up and allowed myself a few more moments of a pity party. I emerged from the bedroom with swollen, red eyes (I'm not a pretty crier). My children looked at me like I just escaped from a mental hospital. I decided that I didn't want him to take anything else from me. I would like to say that it was that easy...just flipping a switch, but it hasn't been. It's a daily choice to focus on the joy that I have in my life.
I woke up several times that night and didn't sleep well. My heart was burdened. I needed to share what happened to me, but I didn't know where to turn. My husband knew, but I wasn't sure who I could tell that would really get me. I didn't need to be questioned about why I had fallen for it. I needed someone to listen and say, man that sucks/I'm so sorry/I would've done the same thing. So I called my friend Kristen and unloaded my heart to her. Thankfully, she said everything I needed to hear and more. That night and the next morning I shared with a few friends at church. Each time, I felt the urge to hold back information because I feared what they would think of me. Wednesday morning, a friend texted me at the perfect moment during a
Truth is: I made a mistake that humiliated me and will likely make many more. I'm sharing it with you in hopes of two things. 1)That this scam won't happen to you. 2)That you will allow yourself to be vulnerable and share your mistakes, rather than trying to hide them and appear perfect. I watched this video of Brene Brown where she talks about vulnerability. Take 20 minutes and watch this link to see what she says on this topic. http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CB8QtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.ted.com%2Ftalks%2Fbrene_brown_on_vulnerability%3Flanguage%3Den&ei=mlw1VdSRCcqlNtLigegO&usg=AFQjCNFLOgIJmTUe-QltELWMYsqIFtZkBw&sig2=iX3L6KUqzqMIILuVVSfcDg&bvm=bv.91071109,d.eXY
Friends, none of us have it all together. We've all got skeletons in our closet. The enemy wants us to feel isolated and ruled by fear. God wants us to do life together. That means the good and the bad. I'm not saying you should publicly air your dirty laundry (I realize the irony), but share your burdens with a trustworthy source. Don't let fear of rejection keep you from being real. God is a redeemer. He will use your vulnerability to bring you closer to Him and to reflect Him to others. Okay, I'm feeling a "vulnerability hangover" coming on...I'll leave you with a quote from one of my favorite authors:
Cannot tell you how much I loved this post and can relate to it!
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